Confidence is the result of facing some of your worst fears

   This lovely retinal condition has cost me a lot, financially, mentally, and physically.  Having something that erodes your sense of security on so many fronts makes pushing through extremely difficult.  I feel like discouragement is my middle name.  It is not because I live there, it is just so prevalent.  However, the last several weeks have provide opportunities for me to do things I CAN do and not dwell on the stuff I can’t.

I used to be a research assistant at a biotechnology firm doing research and development of drugs just like the one they use in my eye today to treat this condition.  My field of expertise really required good vision or shall I say good central vision, which for me is all but gone. So I have a degree that I may or may not ever be able to use again and I really try not to dwell on it because it is out of my control.  It is what it is.

I went home to raise a family and in the meantime my training has antiquated and is now something I won’t be able to retrain and reenter that field because of the whole vision thing.  When the time comes that I am ready to reenter the work force for real I am going to have to rethink the whole “career” thing.         Several years ago someone had suggested that I apply for a substitute teaching license and try that as an “interim” experience.  I did do that and I have taught and it has been really rewarding.  It feels good to be able to go to a job, read the teacher’s plans, do everything that is asked of me, help students who have questions, and have a great day. The greatest reward is that I CAN do it. And then when kids can see that I am engaged and really do want to help and am able to help is just icing on the cake.  I have been getting a lot of opportunities to get into the local schools and show them as well as myself that I can do this.

I still don’t know what I will do long term but in the meantime substitute teaching helps me to build my confidence that there are some things I still can do and do well in spite of my vision. When I face my fear that I can’t do anything and push through I find out that there are things I still can do well.

Confidence, it does come back it just takes time

I am happy to report that things are going very well. I am amazed at how once I got over some of my biggest hurdles, my self-confidence came back.  I was starting to wonder if it was gone forever.  Knowing that my driver’s license now reflects everything it needs to in order for me to legally drive is one booster and the other of course is my cane.  Many of my fears have been resolved and I am really enjoying where I am at right now.

I was certain that now that I can drive with my bioptic that I would be getting pulled over all the time to ask “what in the world is that on your face.” I am happy to report that I have passed multiple law enforcement and have not been stopped once.  Driving with a bioptic brings such a peace of mind knowing that at any time I can look through and gather information that my disabled vision can’t get me. 

I cannot say enough about the cane.  All the things I thought others would think or do, has not been the case at all.  People are kind, helpful, and respectful. I still feel like I need to say “my vision doesn’t get in the way, I can work through it with my tools”, but it is getting better.  Every time I can prove that I can do something in spite of my vision, I gain even more confidence.  Yes, there are things I miss but at the same time the cane gives a big ‘hey this is why she has issues’ that really frees me from explaining anything.  For example, I was at an event the other day and I swore I knew one of the parents who was going in behind me.  And I asked “Is that….?” And they said, ‘No’.  Ooops.  No big deal, move on the cane communicates without me saying anything, “don’t be surprised if this person makes weird visual observations’. “ The cane in of itself is a public service announcement.

Jumping the hurdles of my driving being completely legal and my cane as a communication tools I can get back to living life and not worrying about how I am going to explain anything.  I can now focus on what I can do and continue to regain my confidence in those things and learn, grow, and adapt from the things that are still a struggle.