This journey of vision loss has been quite the ride. The good news, each time I get hit with a loss to my vision, it isn’t as bad
as the last time. Now let me clarify,
the loss is bad, but my attitude and ability to take it in stride is getting
better.
My life (probably more the last 10 years than any other
expanse of time) has been a series of events that requires me to fill a
metaphorical tool box with new tools. So
for my vision loss the tools are: all the resources available to help me just
to live, and then on top of all that is the character traits required to do
life without rage quitting. You learn to
be patient, self-forgiving, kind, teachable, and most importantly to laugh
regularly.
I have spoken before about a bear trap around your ankle and
that this is how it feels when things in life happen that are not in your
control. (Note: I am finding that less
and less is really in my control, to the point I wonder if I control anything
beyond eating and sleeping.) If you fight a proverbial bear trap you will shred
a lot of flesh, and hurt. I can thrash,
scream, and fight with all my strength against vision loss and not one letter
will return on the eye chart for me. My
life is now a series of “work-arounds”.
I can’t do certain things because bluntly, the vision is not there to do
them. However, I can make it “doable”
through adaptation and training. Some
things will remain almost impossible and I can only adapt to a point but
honestly, sometimes you really have to ask yourself if it is worth the time,
effort and frustration to prove you can do something? I have learned to let
some things just go or look at them differently.
I used to love to scrapbook.
I can do some, but gone are the days of elaborate page layouts and tens
of pages for an event. Now it is one two
sided page for one event and a lot of consolidation. I am also using my scanner to get things on to
my computer like kid’s artwork, old pictures, and memorabilia. Someday I will get them into an “online”
scrapbook, but for today, just having the memories digitally is better than
nothing. Also I can see my work better
on my computer than I can in a book any more.
I am an avid reader.
This has been one area that has been really hard for me. I love the feel of a book in my hands, curled
up on the couch and turning the pages to reveal each new part to a story. I have a service that brings in large print
books as well as digital audio books.
This last May I pretty much lost my ability to read large print
comfortably. Now I must read my books
either on a tablet or listen to them. I
am truly envious of the soul in the park that can just simply, enjoy a good
book. I have to accept that I either
read however I can, or be stuck in what I can’t do.
There is a lot of freedom in letting go. I am now in a space in my life where I do
things I enjoy (love really) and I have let go of the stuff that is too hard or
just too frustrating. I never knew how
much energy is expended in a day until I had to learn how to do my days with
limited vision. It is exhausting and
thus I have been forced to choose what I will do and let go over everything
else. It comes down to one question “is
it worth it?” There are times I have
asked that question and said “yes, absolutely” and then later throw up my hands
and say “this is way too much work to adapt”.
There are other things I just have to accept. For example, mail…seems simple enough right?
However, for me since I don’t read well without assistance going through a
stack of mail is work. I now must decide
immediately upon sorting what I am going to do with it. Am I going to read it later? Recycle? Or
throw away? Since I don’t read well,
every time I pick up the same stack of mail I have to slowly read through every
piece to make sure I haven’t missed anything.
I can’t just glance at it and know what it is, thus I no longer have a
stack to “read/deal with later”. I deal
with it all on the first pass because it just takes too much effort and time to
process more than once.
At the end of the day it is about picking your battles. Sometimes the battle is worth the effort, and
other times it is best to just give yourself a break accept what is and move
on.
