Positive thinking by itself is worthless.

Just for the record, positive thinking will NEVER lead to positive action. However, the flip side is true.  Positive action can lead to positive thinking.  I am so sick and tired of folks saying “Think positive”.  I am sorry, but to ‘think’ positive you have to set yourself up in an environment to be positive.  Let me digress here and give you a “picture” of what I am conveying. Let’s say an elephant leaves a steaming pile in your front yard. No matter how long you “will” yourself to think otherwise, it will always be a steaming pile.  You can work around it, ignore it, bury it, and resent the elephant that left it. No matter what you do with your “thinking”, the steaming pile remains.  However, if you resign yourself to the fact that life is messy, sometimes extremely messy, and methodically deal with the pile, you’ll actually get somewhere.  You get out a shovel, trash bags. You start scooping and disposing. Eventually, you will no longer have a steaming pile.  Now that the pile is gone, and you have dealt with it, guess what, your attitude changes.  You are happy the pile is gone, you like how your yard looks and you have dealt with it so you don’t have to try to cover it up, it is gone.  All you have to remember is that Life shows up on occasion and does what that elephant did.  If you choose to go to a solution and deal with what life has dropped in your lap you can move past the negative feelings and improve your attitude through action.  However, if you take no action you will get no results.  Positive thinking, without action, is delusional and there are medications for that.

To have a friend is to be a friend, finding the balance

Do you ever have the experience in certain organizations or groups you have to do all the work to make and maintain friendships with people?  Maybe I am just a freak and alone in this, but I don’t think so. A lot of my frustration is due to the fact that being visually disabled makes this process all that much harder.  I have been in bible studies, small groups, and committees where all kinds of different people come together for a common cause and build a beautiful and successful community. (I think the key point might be the “common purpose/cause”.)  Then you’ll be talking to someone and they will share “I am in this amazing small group. They will go about how they really gel and get along, blah blah blah.  And then, here’s the kicker, “Oh, our group is closed, we aren’t taking new members”.  What is that? Really?  This is especially irritating in a church setting.  Church by default has a tendency to keep people out and alienated, and then you add this little zinger. Here is how it feels: we are building community and it includes a fortified castle with a moat.  If you all can make it past the alligators and breach the wall, we might let you in.  I am NOT bitter, o.k., maybe just a little. So, I stand here, a believer in Christ, made by God for fellowship and I am revisiting the non-inclusive cliques of high school.  Awesome. Did you hear me? AWESOME!!!  What would Jesus do?  Read His words: He presses in when people are pulling back, He accepts when people are judging, and He loves when people are hurtful.  When are we going to get it? True community comes when you go against the grain and do what feels uncomfortable and be different from the rest of the world.  I share this, not to rip on those who are involved in such groups, but to highlight that the bible gives examples of doing things differently. I have found, sadly, that the world has a better pulse on this than some who follow Christ, and that frustrates me!

From God's perspective, I am not disabled

Interesting sermon this morning.  It was brought up how despite how the Pharisee's saw people, Jesus sees them differently.  For example, the leper is not "unclean" to Jesus.  I found this to be very poignant.  The way I see it, God doesn't see me as disabled, broken, or unable.  However, there are quite of few church folks who do.  It is a non-stop "pray for complete healing" when I come around.  So, what IF folks could SEE  me the way God sees me:  mallible, teachable, available, and most of willing?  I have been in many a bible study and have learned that God doesn't chose the strongest, prettiest, the most "together" people to be a leader for Him. But for some reason, churches continually perpetuate the notion that those are the folks most suited for the job.  I am not saying ALL or EVERY, but it seems awefully prevalent.  I was in a meeting recently at a local high school and stated I'd be willing to volunteer but I am visually disabled.  To which the reply was "We'd love to have you and we can work within your limitations of your disability so that you can help out."  It is sad to say I have found way more acceptance and willingness to work with me outside the church than in. I do have several friends in church that have been wonderful, I am really talking about the general church climate.  I don't mean to step on toes and make folks feel bad, I am simply expressing how I feel left out and forgotten in my own herd and it is hard.  What is even more frustrating, is this message will be 'heard' by those who don't need to and it will remain 'unheard' by those who do. The bottom line is: it isn't my eyes that need to be opened.

I need an ox, because I have a burden

It has been almost a year since my vision tanked and didn't come back. Hey, I have tried talking it into coming back, it just won't listen.  Being visually disabled and having children who want to go places and see things can be daunting.  I haven't driven at night for probably three years now.  We have already been through the whole "Sorry, it is too dark for Mom to take you anywhere."  But for some reason I have been trying to lessen the reality of my condition for my kids.  And quite frankly, it is EXHAUSTING.  This is where the ox comes in.  I need an ox that I can load up with all my fears, frustrations, and loss of dreams and send it on its way.  I am tired of lugging it all around.  I just realized that I have been letting my kids get away with stuff because I feel guilty for not being able to be Super Mom.  I am going back to being Mediocre Mom and these kids are going to have to start pulling their weight around here.  I am still housecleaning when I can't even SEE dust, cooking when I can't recognize by sight if something is done, and doing things that really some of these able sighted folks in my home could help me with.  However, I still need an ox, at least for all this guilt I have been hauling around.

Stranger in a strange land

I attended a women's function at my local church yesterday.  There were a lot of ladies present and many that I know.  However, in a dim lighted sanctuary I can't see anything recognizable.  I can't see faces or features. Basically, I sat in a room of people and they might as well have been all strangers because I couldn't tell you who was there.  I could see activity and movement but couldn't tell you what was going on or why.  I couldn't see the words for the songs on the big screens either.  To say it was overwhelming is and understatement (at least for this year).  How could I be in such a warm and welcoming place yet feel so completely and utterly alone.  This is an example of one of those times where EVERYTHING in me is saying "Let's get out of here", yet I force myself to stay.  The bottom line is I cannot get used to these realities of low vision if I am forever running from them.  I have to face them.  It isn't easy, nor comfortable. However, having done similar things over the last year I have found that after all is said and done I will feel like I faced a fear, accomplished something, and in return receive even more strength to face the next obstacle.  And the really cool thing was  there were all these amazing desserts and I didn't binge on them to deal with my feelings. I think that was my greatest victory of all.

Get your license in, foo

I substitute teach for a local school district.  The last few times I taught it was VERY apparent that I am visually disabled.  I was able to do the job fine, but any reading (especially rosters for attendance) make my issue very obvious.  Well, since about December I stopped getting calls for jobs. Here I am thinking that "oh, someone must of said something about my OBVIOUS problem and they don't want me anymore".  Yesterday, I called the district about their new automated system and how I am unable to get logged in. [Here is a clue, they were still sending me correspondence, maybe, just maybe I have the story wrong]. While the gal is helping me with my log in issues I naively ask "Hey, I got my renewed license because my last one expired in November, do I need to take that down to you all for a copy on my file?"  These were not her exact words, but in essence "Uh, duh!"  I got a call later explaining that I wasn't able to log into the system because I had been put on inactive, NOT because of my vision, but because I hadn't gotten my renewed license to district.  License is in, I can log in, and calls should start coming again.  Wow that was totally worth stressing about, NOT!

Who is THAT in the mirror?

I updated my profile picture.  It is quite odd that I see it with my limited vision and have a hard time truly getting that it is me.  When I get up in the morning I don't see my face in the mirror, not out of choice, but because of how my vision is.  It would require a lot of work to actually 'see' my reflection, so I don't bother.  I am not mental, in denial, or anything like that.  I simply choose through out my day, what I am going to fight to fully take in with what sight I have and let other things just go by the wayside. I took this picture (profile) right after a hair appointment.  Actually, my husband took the picture, I just posed for it.The whole posing thing is kind of weird as well.  I don't know where to train my eyes. I don't see cues like I used to for picture taking. Then there is the fact that my camera was set on capturing a "slight smile".  Really, who wants a slight smile? Anyhoo it is just plain weird to not really recognize oneself, that is all I am saying.