A disability that isn’t visible or obvious

The thing I have found with having a vision disability is that people just looking at me see nothing different about me.  I don’t have eyes that show obvious disease. I have adapted quite well. The only time it becomes apparent is when I am suddenly in dimmer light, or asked to do anything that requires fine tune vision.  Seriously, I drive myself to the store, buy items and then at the register I have to ask for them to point out the line on which to sign my name.  It isn’t obvious and a lot of times if I don’t say anything it just looks like I need bifocals or more sleep.

For me living inside this disabled body I feel like I never get a break from it.  I am always aware of my short comings in sight. It is glaringly obvious there is a problem everywhere I lay my eyes.  The difficulty is that because I am ALWAYS aware of it and everyone around me isn’t is hard. It is hard because I have to constantly say “I am visually disabled…..can you help me with…” I have to live with this reality 100% of the time and to have to continually “say” it, just makes the sting of the reality hurt that much more. It reminds me when I received my approval from Department of Vocational Rehabilitation that stated “you have a significant disability”.  It is almost like if you or anyone else doesn’t have to state the obvious out loud, it won’t be true.  Well, it is true. And even though it is true it doesn’t make it any more palatable.  It becomes a struggle not to hide from it.

I have found as of late that I am constantly covering parts of my face with my hand.  It is just something I do without thinking about it.  After some serious reflection I realized that I am trying to hide behind my hand.  I feel so exposed and out there all the time that I just want to duck out of sight and maybe no one will notice. I am really hoping that this gets better.  I hope I can just go straight to stating the fact I have a disability and ask for help. I hope I don’t have to hide behind my hand for much longer. I hope that soon I can feel alright in my skin and that I can actually feel normal again.  I emphasize “feel” because physically I will never have normal eyesight again.  Thankfully I know several people who have all varying levels of vision loss and am inspired by where they are at in their journey’s and that one day I will cross over and feel at home with my disability like they do.