Apparently I am on a roller coaster and no one bothered to tell me.

Depression is an insidious condition.  Sometimes to the outsider it can and I emphasize can be obvious.  But a lot of times it isn't that easy to see.  A lot of the reason for not being able to pick up on it is that we all have this thing in us called pride that rises up and says “we got this, we are good”.   It isn't until things start to pile up and we get the sense that we are drowning and maybe, just maybe we need some help. Also there is a point of no return, because of a lot of life stresses you just can’t get back no matter how hard you try. Most of the time eating right, exercising, sleeping well, and in general keeping the stress at bay one can overcome a minor depression or the beginnings of one.  However, when it goes too far you cannot get back without help. Trust me, I have tried this before and failed miserably.

I have struggled with depression before, back when in a two year period:  my father died, seven different family members and friends died, I lost my job, had my first child, bought and sold our first house, and then moved out of state.  I guess those were too many stresses lined up together to actually have a chance at making it.  I truly believe in the adage “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, but if you find yourself making brewery size volumes of lemonade, it is time to get some help.

I have known for about almost two years now that I have been on the brink of depression.  With the loss of my vision in 2011, I lost so much more than just my vision.  My ability to drive has been greatly restricted, what my degree and training are in I won’t be able to return to (ever), I can’t read “normally”, I can’t sight read music any more, I can’t ride my bike by myself, and the list goes on.  I had a significant visual loss, but the collateral damage from that loss is what has amped up the stress in my life. 

Most folks get to go about life in their “normal” way and I have to have multiple contingency plans taking into consideration all kinds of circumstances that are beyond my control just to get through one day.  I have been on a steep learning curve adapting to low vision and it has just gotten the better of me. I got fatigued and lost my ability to hang on.  I do so much to stay on top of all my training and rehab, but the mental gymnastics of it all has finally caught up with me.  I actually was wondering if the fact everything was done that I finally relaxed and wasn't in “fight/flight” mode any more that now the depression has hit hard.

I am going back onto anti-depressants, which I know work from the past and I have to level my pride of “I can do this myself”.  What is funny is that I have been able to ask for help in every other area of my life, but here I have been mentally treading water for almost two years and have finally gotten to where I either drown or receive help.

If you have suffered significant loss, keep your eyes open for the signs of depression.  A lot of the symptoms aren't things we would normally associate with depression.  Just because you don’t feel sad all the time does NOT mean there isn't anything wrong. My biggest symptoms are: wanting to sleep more and more, irritability, inability to focus and concentrating, not wanting to do anything besides just the bare minimum (no hobbies), and this constant feeling like doing life is like walking through quicksand.  Also once I get past a certain point it doesn't matter what I do any relief is very momentary and it is obvious that I need help.  Honestly, by just asking for help and admitting I can’t keep this up has lifted an enormous burden off my shoulders.