Positive thinking by itself is worthless.

Just for the record, positive thinking will NEVER lead to positive action. However, the flip side is true.  Positive action can lead to positive thinking.  I am so sick and tired of folks saying “Think positive”.  I am sorry, but to ‘think’ positive you have to set yourself up in an environment to be positive.  Let me digress here and give you a “picture” of what I am conveying. Let’s say an elephant leaves a steaming pile in your front yard. No matter how long you “will” yourself to think otherwise, it will always be a steaming pile.  You can work around it, ignore it, bury it, and resent the elephant that left it. No matter what you do with your “thinking”, the steaming pile remains.  However, if you resign yourself to the fact that life is messy, sometimes extremely messy, and methodically deal with the pile, you’ll actually get somewhere.  You get out a shovel, trash bags. You start scooping and disposing. Eventually, you will no longer have a steaming pile.  Now that the pile is gone, and you have dealt with it, guess what, your attitude changes.  You are happy the pile is gone, you like how your yard looks and you have dealt with it so you don’t have to try to cover it up, it is gone.  All you have to remember is that Life shows up on occasion and does what that elephant did.  If you choose to go to a solution and deal with what life has dropped in your lap you can move past the negative feelings and improve your attitude through action.  However, if you take no action you will get no results.  Positive thinking, without action, is delusional and there are medications for that.

To have a friend is to be a friend, finding the balance

Do you ever have the experience in certain organizations or groups you have to do all the work to make and maintain friendships with people?  Maybe I am just a freak and alone in this, but I don’t think so. A lot of my frustration is due to the fact that being visually disabled makes this process all that much harder.  I have been in bible studies, small groups, and committees where all kinds of different people come together for a common cause and build a beautiful and successful community. (I think the key point might be the “common purpose/cause”.)  Then you’ll be talking to someone and they will share “I am in this amazing small group. They will go about how they really gel and get along, blah blah blah.  And then, here’s the kicker, “Oh, our group is closed, we aren’t taking new members”.  What is that? Really?  This is especially irritating in a church setting.  Church by default has a tendency to keep people out and alienated, and then you add this little zinger. Here is how it feels: we are building community and it includes a fortified castle with a moat.  If you all can make it past the alligators and breach the wall, we might let you in.  I am NOT bitter, o.k., maybe just a little. So, I stand here, a believer in Christ, made by God for fellowship and I am revisiting the non-inclusive cliques of high school.  Awesome. Did you hear me? AWESOME!!!  What would Jesus do?  Read His words: He presses in when people are pulling back, He accepts when people are judging, and He loves when people are hurtful.  When are we going to get it? True community comes when you go against the grain and do what feels uncomfortable and be different from the rest of the world.  I share this, not to rip on those who are involved in such groups, but to highlight that the bible gives examples of doing things differently. I have found, sadly, that the world has a better pulse on this than some who follow Christ, and that frustrates me!

From God's perspective, I am not disabled

Interesting sermon this morning.  It was brought up how despite how the Pharisee's saw people, Jesus sees them differently.  For example, the leper is not "unclean" to Jesus.  I found this to be very poignant.  The way I see it, God doesn't see me as disabled, broken, or unable.  However, there are quite of few church folks who do.  It is a non-stop "pray for complete healing" when I come around.  So, what IF folks could SEE  me the way God sees me:  mallible, teachable, available, and most of willing?  I have been in many a bible study and have learned that God doesn't chose the strongest, prettiest, the most "together" people to be a leader for Him. But for some reason, churches continually perpetuate the notion that those are the folks most suited for the job.  I am not saying ALL or EVERY, but it seems awefully prevalent.  I was in a meeting recently at a local high school and stated I'd be willing to volunteer but I am visually disabled.  To which the reply was "We'd love to have you and we can work within your limitations of your disability so that you can help out."  It is sad to say I have found way more acceptance and willingness to work with me outside the church than in. I do have several friends in church that have been wonderful, I am really talking about the general church climate.  I don't mean to step on toes and make folks feel bad, I am simply expressing how I feel left out and forgotten in my own herd and it is hard.  What is even more frustrating, is this message will be 'heard' by those who don't need to and it will remain 'unheard' by those who do. The bottom line is: it isn't my eyes that need to be opened.

I need an ox, because I have a burden

It has been almost a year since my vision tanked and didn't come back. Hey, I have tried talking it into coming back, it just won't listen.  Being visually disabled and having children who want to go places and see things can be daunting.  I haven't driven at night for probably three years now.  We have already been through the whole "Sorry, it is too dark for Mom to take you anywhere."  But for some reason I have been trying to lessen the reality of my condition for my kids.  And quite frankly, it is EXHAUSTING.  This is where the ox comes in.  I need an ox that I can load up with all my fears, frustrations, and loss of dreams and send it on its way.  I am tired of lugging it all around.  I just realized that I have been letting my kids get away with stuff because I feel guilty for not being able to be Super Mom.  I am going back to being Mediocre Mom and these kids are going to have to start pulling their weight around here.  I am still housecleaning when I can't even SEE dust, cooking when I can't recognize by sight if something is done, and doing things that really some of these able sighted folks in my home could help me with.  However, I still need an ox, at least for all this guilt I have been hauling around.

Stranger in a strange land

I attended a women's function at my local church yesterday.  There were a lot of ladies present and many that I know.  However, in a dim lighted sanctuary I can't see anything recognizable.  I can't see faces or features. Basically, I sat in a room of people and they might as well have been all strangers because I couldn't tell you who was there.  I could see activity and movement but couldn't tell you what was going on or why.  I couldn't see the words for the songs on the big screens either.  To say it was overwhelming is and understatement (at least for this year).  How could I be in such a warm and welcoming place yet feel so completely and utterly alone.  This is an example of one of those times where EVERYTHING in me is saying "Let's get out of here", yet I force myself to stay.  The bottom line is I cannot get used to these realities of low vision if I am forever running from them.  I have to face them.  It isn't easy, nor comfortable. However, having done similar things over the last year I have found that after all is said and done I will feel like I faced a fear, accomplished something, and in return receive even more strength to face the next obstacle.  And the really cool thing was  there were all these amazing desserts and I didn't binge on them to deal with my feelings. I think that was my greatest victory of all.

Get your license in, foo

I substitute teach for a local school district.  The last few times I taught it was VERY apparent that I am visually disabled.  I was able to do the job fine, but any reading (especially rosters for attendance) make my issue very obvious.  Well, since about December I stopped getting calls for jobs. Here I am thinking that "oh, someone must of said something about my OBVIOUS problem and they don't want me anymore".  Yesterday, I called the district about their new automated system and how I am unable to get logged in. [Here is a clue, they were still sending me correspondence, maybe, just maybe I have the story wrong]. While the gal is helping me with my log in issues I naively ask "Hey, I got my renewed license because my last one expired in November, do I need to take that down to you all for a copy on my file?"  These were not her exact words, but in essence "Uh, duh!"  I got a call later explaining that I wasn't able to log into the system because I had been put on inactive, NOT because of my vision, but because I hadn't gotten my renewed license to district.  License is in, I can log in, and calls should start coming again.  Wow that was totally worth stressing about, NOT!

Who is THAT in the mirror?

I updated my profile picture.  It is quite odd that I see it with my limited vision and have a hard time truly getting that it is me.  When I get up in the morning I don't see my face in the mirror, not out of choice, but because of how my vision is.  It would require a lot of work to actually 'see' my reflection, so I don't bother.  I am not mental, in denial, or anything like that.  I simply choose through out my day, what I am going to fight to fully take in with what sight I have and let other things just go by the wayside. I took this picture (profile) right after a hair appointment.  Actually, my husband took the picture, I just posed for it.The whole posing thing is kind of weird as well.  I don't know where to train my eyes. I don't see cues like I used to for picture taking. Then there is the fact that my camera was set on capturing a "slight smile".  Really, who wants a slight smile? Anyhoo it is just plain weird to not really recognize oneself, that is all I am saying. 

Some times life hands you stuff and you say "No Thanks".

Something I have learned on this journey is that NO one asks for what life hands them.  You just get it dropped in your lap and you have to figure out how you are going to go forward.  We'll deny its existence, ignore it, hate it, yell at it and eventually we'll accept it.  We don't like it but let's face it having a fit about it doesn't change ANYTHING.  Heck, if throwing a fit could change stuff  I'd be residing on beach somewhere living off the residuals of my investments, right?  Some days are harder to keep the momentum going  forward than others.  It is hard to do that "to do" list.  Those are the days that you are right at the edge of being sucked into despair.  It is almost like treading water and all your energy is expended just on breathing.  The reality around you threatens to overtake you.  Thus, I have a list of "do NOT go there under any circumstances".  For example, I do not dwell on what I had a career in, what my degree is, what I was trained for, or what my 5 year or 10 year plans are.  Every so often I get to the very edge of those thoughts and think, hmmm, pprobably not a safe day in the water eh? I read somewhere once that your mind is like a bad neighborhood, don't go there after dark.  I would have to add, take a friend if you have to go, they typically see things differently, keep you away from the pitfalls and can lift you up when you are down. Thank you to all my wonderful friends out there, I couldn't do this journey without you!

Hobbies, low vision fun!

My hobbies have been reading, scrapbooking, and sewing.  They all kind of require some decent vision to do.  I either have to find a new way to do my hobbies or find some new ones.  Reading will get better once I obtain a CCTV to zoom everything.  That is in the works, and I just need to be patient.  However, sewing and scrapbooking require an attention to detail and ability to make things "square".  When your world looks like a Salvador Dali painting, it is bit complicated to do anything that requires straight lines of any kind.  Sewing, I have adapted some.  I have a guide that keeps my seems straight and I do my best when it comes to cutting along lines.  The hardest and most frustrating thing is threading my sewing machine or serger.  This is the one thing that I get stubborn and try to do and after wrestling with it for 15-20 minutes I break down and ask my daughter to help me.  She sits down and does it all in less than a minute.  Which is AWESOME, but it really takes me toe to toe with the fact that, no matter what I do, my vision is NOT what it used to be.  The challenge is to stay in the gratitude that there are people who are happy to help me and stay away from the despair that my days of 100% self-sufficiency are gone.  As for new hobbies, I am thinking skeet shooting, golf, or maybe tennis.  No, seriously I need to figure out some hobbies that don't require such heavy weight on sight. Let me know if you think of any.

Fear, it erodes some of the strongest foundations

I was one of those kids that given the choice between fight ad f light, I took flight.  I lived most of my life in a state of fear.  I was afraid of being misunderstood, what others thought, looking stupid, being stupid, you name it I was afraid of it.  I have journeyed a long way in the area of fear.  Today things don't spook me as quickly as they used to.  I have learned to pause, assess what REALLY is true, and take my time processing before taking.  I got to a place where I could make decisions and just move on and not care about all the emotional bloat that my fears were causing.  Then I became viually disabled, or at least more severely disabled than I had been.  Guess what, the fear is back.  It is differeent, but it is back.  I am afraid that I am unemployable, that I'll miss something critical because I can't SEE it, and a whole myriad of unnamed terrors.  Last night we had the power go out.  And while on the surface not a big deal, but for me it means COMPLETE darkness.  I don't see subtle lights and even a small light doesn't help me to see anything.  My first response was lock the doors immediately followed by "find me a stinking flashlight'. The fact that I had a CO detector going off steadily didn't help matters.  It was one of the moments that I had to pause and keep myself frrom yelling at no one in particular "Everyone just CALM down".  Yeah, hey captain obivous, everyone WAS calm until you FREAKED out.  It is a process and I am sure I'll get better.  But for now, Xcel, please keep the lights on I am a little edgy and someone find me a 9V battery for this STUPID carbon monoxide detector.

Where am I? No, really?

Disability and working with a reduced sense can be really unnerving.  Some days, I really am good at taking it in stride, asking for help, and pushing through, others not so much.  What I have been discovering lately is that fear caused by felling lost all the time is a really big hurdle that is exasperated by my limited sight.  I am always questioning, doubting, and downright running from fear.  How do you explain to people that don't stand in your shoes what it is really like to be visually disabled?  No one, except those who share in your disability, truly can understand your world.
 I have found that I hate to go shopping now.  It is not because of the act of shopping, but it is for the sheer reason I cannot easily read any of the aisle markers, details on products or even price tags.  It is daunting and overwhelming.  I am in the constant state of feeling lost because aside from the really big things and familiar surroundings I really can't get a feel for where I am.  I get frustrated when I can't "see" in my head where I am.  Since my kids are now in a school in a town over I am relearning where shops are in that community.  I used to know my way around, but now that I can't see marquees from the street. What used to be familiar is now completely foreign. I am 100% dependent on my GPS to tell me where I am.
How do you explain to any one how you could become lost in your own backyard?  I just don't like to venture out these days. I know one day I will have to start facing some of these obstacles, but I feel like I face so many already.  Those obstacless will just have to wait for another day.

Acceptance: what it is and what it isn't

In life there are times when you must just face the music of life.  You didn't sign up for it, you didn't stand in line for it, and you certainly did NOT ask for it.  You come to a cross roads, which is you either accept it or fight it.  I have found over the last several years of an unstable retinal condition, that acceptance is the way to go.  I have done many a year of fighting, ignoring, running, denying, and resenting my life circumstances.  Then I learned about acceptance.  Acceptance is when you come toe to toe with something and just accept that it is what it is.  It does NOT mean you like it or agree with it, you just simply accept it, make your peace and move on.  Here is what I can tell you about fighting circumstances, conditions, events, people, places, or things.  You cannot control ANY of it.  And fighting it will simply rob you of your sanity, serenity, and give you a headache.  Am I perfect at it, no way!  However, today I recognize the signs of not accepting and then realize what I am doing and figure out a way to change tact and travel toward acceptance.  It doesn't happen over night. It is NOT easy.  But when you have tasted serenity, and you know that (from practice) acceptance takes you to that quiet place, you pull on your boots and start trudging toward the goal of acceptance.  Acceptance, as strange as it sounds, as hard as it is, IS the path to peace.  And with peace, you will find contentment. 

Sometimes you got it other time you just don't

There are those days in life when you have your feelings in check, your brain engaged and mouth waiting for instruction.  And then there are those days where it seems like your mouth is on a roll, and you are having an out of body experience of "what in the world are you SAYING".  I mean really keep it going and someone is going to suggest you are a mental case.  (Maybe I really am mental and I am just in denial). 
Apparently, when your children have bad experiences in life, you take it PERSONALLY1  Go figure.  The last thing anyone wants is for their children to have to experience this messed up world in its full glory.  Truthfully, and when you are in a good space (see first sentence), you know that all their experiences add up to make them the person they need to be.  It teaches them how to not be bitter, angry, or vengful, but rather they are able to be the better person and rise above those experiences.  They learn empathy, how to look at people in reference to their bigger picture (you know messed up home life, messed up behavior), and to just learn that in some situations it is best to just walk away and not try to figure out the "whys?".  We parents do everything we can to get them started on the right path, however, it is really their will and choices that will take them on this journey of life.  And as parents, sometimes we don't understand the why's either (most of the time we just hate them).  But I had an experience yesterday, that has left me feeling that I are a mama bear whose cubs had been hurt and I still want to scratch some eyes out. 
Where AM I going with this?  My kids are going back to traditional schools next year (100% their choice) and I am terrified.  I have to let them go (and really, they are WAY more forgiving and trusting than I am).  I have to trust that they will be o.k., that I haven't messed them up for life and  however things play out this year they will learn and be exposed to great experiences. I just have to remember "Change is inevitable, misery optional".  I can't control a lot of things, but I certainly can control my attitude, outlook and response to them. 
I know, I know "MENTAL!".

It is how you run the race, not when you cross the finish line

I don't mean to complain, but sometimes I get tired of all the focus on "miracles".  I believe that miracles happen, but when you have dealt with something for 22 years and have come to terms with it, it gets really grating to hear all the complete heeling's and deliverance's.  I think it is great for those who receive them, however, when you are one of the one's who doesn't have one it can can make you feel left out.  And it is even more depressing when no one speaks of examples of those of us who have learned to continue our journey in spite of our obstacles.  Seriously, I have to rely on God and lean in to Him daily, because truthfully no one in my life can support me the way my creator can and will.  I have a awesome joy filled life and have learned some amazing things and met cool people on this journey, but the focus continues to be for those who get "healed".  I am wondering, and fairly certain, there are more folks like me than in the 'miraculous group'.  Again, I am not getting down on those who have been healed, more power to ya!  I just think there are a lot of folks out there,like me, that could use the encouragement and inspiration of those who have gone before us and know that in spite of illness or disability there is a great life to be had.  I don't need to be reminded of what I don't have, I need to be spurred on about what I could have without healing or deliverance.  Let's face it, life really is about the journey not the finish line.  Anyone care to run with me?

Jury Duty

Today I had to report for Jury Duty.  I had filled out a form on the county webpage detailing what my disability was and what accomodations I would need to serve on a jury.  I showed up,went through various steps and then my juror number was called.  I am taken back to a room with the jury official and explained to that the court is thankful for my williness to serve, but the judge feels that because of my low vision I won't be able to do the job necessary for a juror.  I have to say, I was elated and sad at the same time.  I have never gotten to serve on a jury and actually was hoping to be picked so I could experience the judicial process.  But at the same time I am elated because now I don't have to give up a year of unexpected schedule changes to serve on a grand jury. Disability has a lot of times like that where you are happy but sad at the same time.  However, for me right here and right now I am grateful I don't have to serve and I can focus on all the other details in life.

Miche

I became a sales rep for Miche back in September.  I love Miche bags because their purses are all cream lined.  I know, I know all you sighted folk are saying "so what?"  Well for the low vision the need for color contrast is an absolute necessity.  In a black lined bag I can't see anything.  And then get into a low light situation and forget it, we are going by feel not by sight.  The first time I was introduced to Miche bags I knew I had to get one.  I can see my keys, wallet, everything.  There is no 15 minutes of searching for my cell phone.  I love this product.  Then last fall I was buying one of the new shells (the base bag stays the same but you can buy all kinds of shells that swap out magnetically) and thought to myself, why am I not selling these?  I mean really, I get compliments, asked where I got mine, normal people call this networking.  I signed up and have loved it ever since.  It really gives me a sense of accomplishment, especially since everything I trained for is gone because it all requires good vision.  I get to go to great parties, meet fun people, and sell a product I love.  Talk about being satisfied. So if you haven't noticed already I have a link under resources that will take you to my business website.  Check it out sometime!