Acceptance, we seem to continually revisit this.

I am starting to learn that acceptance is not a static state.  It is a dynamic state, just like my eye condition.  Some days are great and some are not so.  I guess my goal is to not go so high and so low but to find that balanced spot in the middle.  I saw my RS recently and as always we do a bunch of diagnostic tests to see where things are at physically.  My overall acuities improved.  I was actually able to read the 20/50 line with my right eye and the 20/70 line with my left.  Sounds better right?  Sounds like improvement?  In the doctor’s office, reading letters off the lines is the ONLY place that improvement is seen.  My day to day life has not changed.  How I perceive the world hasn’t changed.  As a matter of fact how I “see” in my everyday life hasn’t had any detectable difference since May 2011, when my eyes declined.  I have had reading everywhere from 20/50 to 20/200 and it doesn’t seem to matter in the rest of my world. 

Here are some examples of my world and how I see. I drove by this open field today that used to be a corn field.  However, there were these mini-goal posts all over the field.  It wasn’t until I got a different angle that I realized that they were shadows cast by bales of hay.  I have had bales of hay look like cattle lying down in a field as well.  Basically, until I can “see” otherwise sometimes my world is just plain warped.  Another, warped example would be those long flags at the edge of a gas station or other store.  I swore they were waterfalls.  And then my brain was like “seriously, didn’t we just turn off all exterior water because we are getting into the ‘freezing’ weather”.  Again, until I caught a different angle I couldn’t gather they were just flags rippling in the wind.  I am hoping that one day I’ll think “waterfall” and my brain will say “no, most likely flag”.  It is almost like learning a new language.  In my world, color and perception are messed up most of the time and it all depends on how much light, the angle of the light, and the angle of the object/s that I am observing.

Basically I need to accept that regardless of the observations in the doctor’s office, my world outside of that office hasn’t changed in almost 2 years.  I need to just embrace that reality and do everything I can to adapt to it.