Faking it until I make it

Sometimes facing my fear and getting the courage to push through is worse than the fear itself. If you want to find out if you have a fear of rejection or failure, get a disability, it seems to come naturally.

 I assume because I am low vision, that I am unemployable or that if I am indeed employable that folks won’t hire me because I have this condition.  I assume the world at large is mostly inflexible and condemning.  The truth is it is ME that is inflexible and condemning.  I have been my own worst critic and obstacle.  I seem to be geared toward self-sabotage in this area. 

The truth is I actually faced my fear last month and went and substitute taught for a math class.  Guess what?  It went just fine.  I could read the plans, study the material and actually teach the class.  And since teaching that class I have applied to another district and am in the process of getting my application for yet another to be on their substitute teaching lists.

Sometimes dialing back to what is can be more beneficial the FEARING what is.  This is what I know to be what is: I have a substitute teaching authorization, I get phone calls for jobs, and no one has said ANYTHING about me not being qualified.  Even after having taught in classrooms and divulging to staff and students that I am low vision, I have not been black listed.  

The bottom line is that this is where the phrase “Fake it until you make it” comes in.  What that means is that I continue to go through all the motions:  apply, get on lists, answer calls, and work as a substitute and each time I go through all the motions I will eventually feel comfortable in my own skin and be okay with where I am at in this process.  One day I will feel qualified and capable even with my vision loss. But in order to get there I have to do the work, show up, and see that time and time again I truly can do this and I am qualified, in spite of how I feel.