Freedom, it comes in the most unusual places

I have been writing lately a lot about cane training.  It is the last thing that I have done to complete all my adaptive training for this new reality called “low vision”.  There are a lot of different emotions that come with low vision: grief, fear, frustration, exhaustion, to name a few.  When I started the training I thought “this will be great for once in a while” but instead I am looking forward to using it a lot more frequently than that.  It has given me a freedom that I never expected.  The very object that is a picture of my disability, a symbol to the rest of the world that “hey this person has a vision issue” has become the one thing to bring me the most freedom.  Low vision is a very hard concept to explain.  People get “blindness” but low vision or vision that changes based on light, weather, conditions, locations, etc. is a complete loss on most folks.  They “get it” in the moment you are explaining and then they’ll turn to you at a coffee shop and point to the menu board and ask “what are you going to have”? They are not clueless; they just don’t live in my eyes.  On the outside I look and behave “normal” but when you cross into those areas that are outside of my ability to “see” there are no obvious cues until I say something or one observes my struggle. (Ask my kids about a game I play on the computer where I have to use the mouse to click on a beetle…they think it is amusing to watch, because it makes my vision issue really apparent…we’ll pray for them later.) 

I have been out cane training on multiple occasions.  It has given me so much more than just comfort when the lighting is bad.  It has allowed me to look up and try to interpret the rest of my environment while affording me the luxury of “feeling” what is at my feet so I don’t trip or run into something.  It has been wonderful.  I finished my training a little over a week ago and on that day I ordered my cane.  It will be delivered next week.  No big deal right?  But I am actually feeling like Linus without his blanket.  My security is gone.  It is the most bizarre experience.  I was griping about going out walking in this miserable cold and I would have to psyche myself out for staying out 20 minutes and now I don’t have the cane and I am pining to go out walking.  What up?!  The one cool thing about the cane is even if people question why I have it when they can’t see any outward signs of my issues, if I do trip or run into something there is an instance “Oh, now I see why she has the cane.”  However, if you are particularly snarky I might beat you with it. J