Expectations, they are just premeditated disappointments

When I expect an outcome or plan a timeline for my future, I am setting myself up for disappointment.  We live in this crazy age of planning and forecasting that to let life evolve as we are in the midst of it is downright frightening and overwhelming and to most absurd. When you have been at an amusement park and you hear all the people screaming on the rides, there gets to be a point when you are buoyed up on their screams that it takes you emotionally.  Some people are really good at compartmentalizing that type of situation, I am not.  I am swept away by fear and anxiety, all because the people around me are screaming.  That is how planning/not planning my future feels like, I am waiting patiently and watching things evolve and the whole stinking world around me is SCREAMING. They are screaming I need a plan, a back door, something for when this parachute doesn’t open, I don’t go SPLAT. So even though I feel okay and have a sense that things are going to really work out, all that screaming has me spooked, just like the amusement park.  (Sidebar: those who don’t know me, I don’t do roller-coasters, I would rather have my skin peeled off then go on those.) What am I saying? Please, stop screaming.  It is hard enough to live this life of low vision, I don’t need fear, anxiety, or frustration, imparted to me; I can get those just fine all by myself.  What I need are people in my life that see where there is safe passage and can direct me there. I need to be reminded of what God’s promises “are”, that God has and never stopped having my back, that my parachute will open and that my future will be bright. I was talking with someone last week that shared this statistic: the unemployment rate of people with low vision or blindness, which is working age and not retired or retiring is 70%.  The obstacles I face are big, but not insurmountable, however, when you feel the constant pull of the rip tide and you are expending all energy on fear, you don’t have the bandwidth to pause and wait for instruction.  I have learned this art of pausing and waiting for instruction in the last several months and have gotten pretty good with it. However, all I need is some fool coming up behind me and saying the proverbial “boo” and I quickly lose all that I fought so hard to gain.  The new art I am learning in addition to pausing and waiting; I am learning to not get spooked.  That is just going to take little longer to master. Anyone up for some role playing, I’ll get my stick.