Apparently I have issues with acceptance. Frankly, it has issues with me. I have come to this place multiple times over where I want to be able to just sit down and have the straight answer given to me. Here it is, this is all that you need to accept. Then you could pick it up and strategize how you are going to move forward. Once you do, you are done and can move on. Ha, if only life were so easy! Instead, we analytical types that deal in black and white, rudely find out that life is grey, multiple shades and hues of grey. No one can tell me how bad my vision will get; if there will ever be a true cure/fix, just silence. How do you accept something you don’t know yet? How do you come to terms with a condition, situation, diagnosis, whatever, when you can’t have all the facts before you and make an educated decision? All you can do is accept what is before you right now, today. That’s it. Stop predicting or planning the future, live in just today and be intentionally present. If I can just remember what I need to do today and accept what is, I find a serene place. But when I start going down that ugly road of “what if”, “if only”, “I could have, would have, and should have” that serenity is gone and it is replaced with a depression that can settle like a thick fog. Clarity is gone and anger is just simmering under the surface. Anger for me is a positive indicator of fear. When I get scared, really scared, I get mad. I get scared when I can’t control the future and I desperately want to. I get scared when there are unknowns, for example, how bad are my eyes going to get? What does my future look like? Can I be successful before I burnout from working with my disability? Can I find something I am passionate about and my eyes don’t get in the way? Can I truly accept that all my college and professional training were just for that season and it is now time to move on to something else? Will I ever feel “normal” in my skin again? Will I ever get to a place where I don’t want to eat my weight in malt balls to assuage this pain? I guess I just need to lean back on the motto “progress not perfection” and just keep putting one foot in front of the other because as long as I am “doing the next right thing” I am making forward progress. If I have forward momentum then I can’t be sitting in morass of self-pity but actually moving toward acceptance and away from despair. I heard once, “just because you trip on a step doesn’t mean you have to throw yourself down the flight of stairs”. Here’s to “one step at a time”.
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